Archive for the 'Forgiveness' Category

Remember, next Friday on December 4th, I will give away a Flip Camera.  (Take A New Forgiveness Quiz).

The next two winners for A New Forgiveness Quiz are:

jnkurrle

kgile

I am posting the next two winners.  I know  people don’t necessarily appreciate having either their emails or their names broadcast on the Internet.  If those of you who win would like to comment, that would be wonderful!

Question 9.  The best way to stop thinking about a relational hurt is to journal about how you feel. FALSE.

Journaling may only cause a person to think more about the injury. Those struggling to escape from emotional quicksand should focus on Christ and be more absorbed in him.  If you are struggling with getting over a relational hurt, then one of the last things you need to do is continually dwell on it.  Rather, change your focus to Christ.

Here is an excerpt from Unpacking Forgiveness.

But how is it that we can get off the mental gerbil wheel? The first thing to realize is that it will be a process.

In theological categories, the questions of how to forgive and stop dwelling upon past wrongs fall into the area of sanctification. “Sanctification” refers to the process by which we become increasingly like our Lord and Savior. The key to Christlike responses, the key to getting to mental victory over bitterness and hurt, is to fix our eyes on Jesus Christ himself, day in and day out.

Jesus, of course, dealt perfectly with those who offended him: “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23). Jesus did not run on the mental gerbil wheel. Rather, he entrusted himself to the justice of God the Father. He was at peace. Our goal ought to be to become like him.

We do not become like Jesus in an instant. The Bible teaches that sanctification is a process. As we fix our eyes on Christ, we are transformed into his likeness from one degree to another, often in small and incremental steps.

One of the reasons that people become so discouraged by the “mental gerbil wheel” is that they expect an instant solution, a magic switch to help them stop thinking about a wrong done to them. While God does sometimes give immediate victories, it is usually slow in coming, a matter of striving day after day to focus on Jesus Christ rather than focusing on ourselves and those who have inflicted our pain.

We read in Scripture that we ought to “strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord” (Hebrews 12:14). The word translated “strive” means to pursue with intensity of effort. Scripture paints the picture of believers laboring after Christlikeness. We strain toward it. The battle for your mind will not be won easily nor instantaneously. C.S. Lewis described how long it took him to win one mental battle. In his book Letters to Malcolm¸ he wrote, “Last week, while at prayer, I suddenly discovered—or felt as if I did—that I had really forgiven someone I have been trying to forgive for over thirty years.”

It may take thirty years to feel that you have won the victory in a mental war. It is critical to avoid giving in or allowing yourself to be defined by bitter and vindictive thoughts. Don’t let bitterness wear a rut in your soul. Give no place to Satan. He would love nothing better than to use your mental battle to ruin your life.

Specifics for Winning the Battle for Your Mind

How precisely are we to go about about winning this war? Where mental battles are concerned, the Christian’s work to be increasingly Christlike should take place in some very specific ways. Paul said in 2 Corinthians 10:4 that the weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, our “weapons” have divine power to demolish strongholds. And, that includes strongholds in the mind. Here are some specific directions for getting yourself ejected off the mental gerbil wheel.

Burn into your mind what the Bible teaches about forgiveness.

If you have stuck with this book, then you should understand an outline of what the Bible teaches about forgiveness. Make it a goal for these truths and principles to be burned into your mind.

· The most basic forgiveness principle is that Christians should forgive others as God forgave them. (See Matthew 6:12, 7:2; Ephesians 4:32.)

· Christians should have an attitude or disposition of grace towards all people even as God offers forgiveness to all who receive it. God does not forgive all people. But, he does offer grace and forgiveness to all. (See John 1:12, 3:16; Ephesians 2:8-9).

· Therefore, Christians must be willing to forgive all who ask for forgiveness. (See Luke 17:3-4.) Remember: Whatever anyone has done to offend you will always pale in comparison to what you have done to offend God.

· Christians can conquer bitterness by trusting in the justice and providence of God. God is just. Vengeance belongs to him. He will repay. God providentially works all things together for good for those who know him. This includes the acts of people who intend to harm us. You are not ultimately a victim. (See Romans 12:19; 8:28; Genesis 45:5-7.)

· Never excuse bitterness nor an unwillingness to forgive. Those unable or unwilling to forgive should question their salvation. Read this sentence aloud: Saying “I cannot or will not forgive” is another way of saying “I am thinking about going to hell.” (See Matthew 6:14-15, 18:21-35.)

Take a long look at Christ in His Word.

If you want to get off the mental gerbil wheel, then stop scrutinizing your own situation. Take your eyes off yourself and fix them on Christ (see Hebrews 12:1-3).

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

~ Psalm 121:1-2

You will not find relief by constantly reviewing what happened. Psalm 77 is the journal of one struggling to get off the mental gerbil wheel. In Psalm 77:3, the psalmist writes that he “meditated.” But, he meditated in the wrong way. “His soul refused to be comforted” (77:2). He began to question the goodness of God. He asked,

Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?

~Psalm 77:7-9

You see the danger of allowing this mental turmoil to continue unchecked. If we persist in wrong patterns of thought, we can even begin to question the character of God.

The psalmist also shared how he was finally delivered. He turned his attention to who God is and what God had done.

^Then I said, “I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High.” I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds.

~ Psalm 77:10-12

The most important thing you can do to gain victory in your mind is to fix your “meditations” on Christ. Stop analyzing your personal situation and your personal pain. Look instead to the Savior as he is revealed in the Bible. Prayerfully spend time with Christ in the pages of his Word. Savor his perfection and loveliness in all things; and even as you meditate on him, you will find that you are increasingly like him.

Pray, pray, pray.

Another key strategy for clearing our minds of turmoil is to pray. I am not talking about occasionally throwing up a petition to God in your car on the way to work, or rolling over in bed, muttering, “God, just help me stop thinking about this.” Rather, put yourself in an environment where you can really be focused in your prayer. I go about this in different ways. Sometimes I go into our church sanctuary when no one else is there, get down on my knees, and bury my face in the front pew. Other times I take long prayer walks. Find what works best for you.

We see this emphasis on prayer in Philippians. The letter of Philippians was written to a group of Christians who were experiencing conflict and turmoil in relationships. Immediately after speaking to some involved in a conflict (Philippians 4:2-3), Paul challenged the Philippians to stop being anxious and to start praying instead.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

~ Philippians 4:4-7

This passage promises that when believers pray, God’s peace will guard their hearts and minds.

I have learned to journal my prayers. When I am struggling against lingering hurt and bitterness, it can be difficult to stay with the prayer. Far too easily, my thoughts veer back to a spirit of turmoil and anxiousness. If I write out my prayers, however, then the discipline of writing helps me engage mentally with God’s truth and forces me to think about my circumstances in light of that truth.

Giving thanks should be central in your prayers. Notice in these same verses in Philippians that Paul wrote, “But in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God (Philippians 4:6).” Thanking God gives him the glory he deserves for his provision in your life. It will also shape how you think. Thanksgiving will take your mind off what is troubling you and turn your attention to Christ. None of us should have any problem journaling pages of ways that we are thankful.

If you have been treated unfairly, it is also legitimate to pray for justice as Jesus taught in the parable of the persistent widow (Luke 18:1-8, Revelation 6:10). Praying for justice is also a frequent emphasis in the Psalms. As I stressed in Chapter 13, a confidence in the justice of God is vital to conquering bitterness.

Say and do the right things.

When we have been treated unfairly, it is a great temptation to state our case to other people. Of course, there are legitimate times to talk to others. You may need counsel from someone or you may want to ask for prayer.

But, remember this. What you say and what you do are formative. Talking about a wrong done to you will make it far more difficult to stop thinking about the matter. Instead of rehearsing what happened to people, even to those you trust, expend your energy in positive ways. Get involved in serving people. Encourage others. Reach out to someone else who has been hurt.

Participate in the God-given means of grace.

As I stressed in Chapter 1, Jesus offers rest to those who are mentally weary. But, he did not bid us to come to him and sleep. Instead, Jesus said, “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me (Matthew 11:30). The way that we assume Christ’s yoke is through labor: Studying and listening to his Word, fellowshipping with his people, engaging in worship, praying, and so on.

Question 10.  People unwilling or unable to forgive, should be scared of God. TRUE.

In one sense we should all fear God.   The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 9:10).  But, those unable or unwilling to extend grace should carefully evaluate their own salvation.

The parable of the unforgiving servant

Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.

~ Matthew 18:21-35

You have to really get into the story if it is going to influence you. Picture in your mind who might have played the parts. In this parable, we have to cast only three roles. First, we need a rich king. This is someone who has a lot of assets. He writes off a major loan, so he has to be loaded in order to afford to do that. He is kind at points (he initially writes off the debt) but he is also just and stern (he comes down on him hard in the end). Who would play such a part?

Second, we need the guy who ends up being the loser in the story. He is the example not to be followed. This guy was not afraid to shamelessly beg and yet he turned in an instant and was mean. Picture a weasely-schemer.

The third character is an ordinary, hard-working guy who has had some bad breaks. By definition, this would not be played by anyone famous. Put an average person in the role.

So, the “parable” goes that the weasel owes the wealthy king a huge amount of money. It is an exorbitantly large amount. One commentator estimates that it would have been the equivalent of 193,000 years’ wages.[1] It is such a grandiose amount that no one could pay it back. Not ever. This character certainly can’t.

So, the king summons the guy who owes him money. The guy is begging from the get-go. He falls down on his knees and begs for an extension—just a little more time, and he promises to take care of the debt. Can’t you just picture the scene? The king is a little put out by the whole business, kind of half-disgusted by the melodrama of someone falling at his shoes. He probably shakes him and says, “Get a hold of yourself; act like a man.” But in the end, he has pity on him, saying, “Hey, what’s another billion! I’ll write this debt off.”

So, the weasely schemer dusts himself off and flies away, happy as a lark. He has been forgiven his debt. It’s gone! On the way home, though, he meets up with, of all people, an average guy who owes him a few months’ wages. [2] Of course, the debt is nothing in comparison to the astronomical amount he had owed a mere ten minutes ago. But he spots him and wants what’s coming to him, and he wants it now. He doesn’t have it, and there’s no way you’ll ever be able to get it, either, if he packs him off to debtors’ prison. So he falls at his feet and begs for another chance. And, this guy, who has just been forgiven this billion-dollar debt, will not even hear of giving him a few more days to cough up the cash. He certainly has no intentions of forgiving him the thousand dollars. In fact, he calls the authorities and has him arrested.

In due time, however, the guy to whom money was originally owed finds out about it, and he cannot believe his ears. He has forgiven a huge sum. Now, he hears that this weasel who has been forgiven a billion, cannot find it within himself to forgive even this paltry amount. So, he reneges. He reams out the guy who originally owed him money, reinstates the once-forgiven debt, and throws his sorry carcass in prison. No mercy. He’s stuck there until he can repay the amount, which of course, he will never be able to repay.

Once you “see” the story, Jesus’ point is clear. Turner summarizes:

The point is the monstrous inconsistency between being forgiven “zillions” and refusing to forgive “peanuts….. The unforgiving servant does not do for the other what he would like the other to do for him (7:12), let alone do for the other what the king has already done for him. He hypocritically accepts mercy but is not willing to grant it to another.[3]

Keep the context of the biblical parable in mind. Peter is asking Jesus, “How many times should we forgive?” Jesus responds that we are to forgive an unlimited number of times: seventy times seven. Jesus understood that the disciples might think it unreasonable to be expected to forgive so many times. With this parable, Jesus was teaching that whatever someone has done to offend us always pales in comparison to what we have done to offend God. The Christian who will not forgive is like a guy who will not forgive a few-thousand-dollar debt when he has himself been forgiven billions.

It goes without saying; human beings do horrible things to one another. And, the point is not that these are small offenses. Some of them are huge. However, they are small in comparison to what we have done to offend God.

[1] Turner, 335.

[2] Turner, 336.

[3] Turner, 336-337.

It is still not too late to enter the contest.  I will continue to blog through the quiz on consecutive Friday’s until December 4th.  Each Friday I will give away two copies of Unpacking Forgiveness.  On December 4th, I will give away a Flip Camera.  (Take A New Forgiveness Quiz)

The next two winners for A New Forgiveness Quiz are:

westonlit

pastorgib

I am posting the next two winners.  I know  people don’t necessarily appreciate having either their emails or their names broadcast on the Internet.  If those of you who win would like to comment, that would be wonderful!

Question 7 – God punishes Christians for their sins even though they are forgiven. FALSE.

A distinction should be made between God’s discipline (which is future oriented) and God’s punishment. If God punished believers for their sins, then he would send them immediately to hell. 

At the same time, forgiveness does not mean the elimination of consequences.  God does discipline his children.  Piper summarizes:

Piper writes, “But the aim of God-sent consequences of forgiveness of sin are: (1) To demonstrate the exceeding evil of sin, (2) to show that God does not take sin lightly even when He lays aside His punishment, and (3) to humble and sanctify the sinner.” John Piper, "How Do I Understand the Ongoing Consequences of Forgiven Sins?," The Journal of Biblical Counseling 16, no. 3 (1998): 54-55.

Here is an excerpt from Unpacking Forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not mean the elimination of all consequences.

If you believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, then you are saved (Acts 16:31). So far as east is from the west, so far does God remove the transgressions of his children from them (Psalm 103:11-12). There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ (Romans 8:1). Nevertheless, these truths do not teach that those forgiven by God face no consequences for sin. On the contrary! This side of heaven, we will continue to work through the consequences of our rebellion against God. One of the most famous examples of this are the consequences David faced for his adultery with Bathsheba and his subsequent attempts to cover up the sin through deceit and murder.

When God used the prophet Nathan to confront David, he realized the magnitude of his sin and was truly repentant (2 Samuel 12:7). Nathan told David that God would forgive him for his sin (2 Samuel 12:13). However, there were still consequences, and severe ones at that. Nathan told David that there would be violence amongst his family (2 Samuel 12:10) and that the baby Bathsheba and he had conceived would die (2 Samuel 12:13). Even after the death of the baby, David faced those horrible consequences of ongoing violence in his family. One son, Amnon, raped David’s daughter Tamar (2 Samuel 13:1-22). Another son, Absalom, then killed Amnon (2 Samuel 13:23-33). Later, Absalom attempted to take over David’s kingdom (Samuel 15-19).

The reality of consequences raises a question: If God truly forgives, if he no longer holds the sin against the forgiven, then why are there are consequences? The answer is that God disciplines His own, not for the purpose of punishing them but for his glory and their joy in the future. These consequences are not punishment. Rather, they are how God trains and teaches.

The author of Hebrews stressed this point in Hebrews 12:5-12 when he wrote that God disciplines his children as a father the son he delights in. Two words are used to refer to the idea of disciplining. The first one means “to train.” This word was used in relation to raising children. Believers can expect to be “trained” by God. The second word we see is a harsher one. It means to scourge or punish. The ESV translates it “chastises.” This word appears seven times in the New Testament, and every other time it refers to literal “flogging.” Hebrews 12:6 says that we can expect discipline and direction from God, and at times it will be painful.

The reason God disciplines his children is given in Hebrews 12:10-11.

Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12:10-11

God allows us to face the consequences of sin for our own ultimate good, that we may eventually share more fully in his holiness and reap an abundant harvest of righteousness and peace.

Once when our son Christopher was only two, he made an unauthorized trip to our neighbor’s house. He snuck out our front door and crossed the street before my wife Jamie even missed him. He trotted up to our neighbors’ front door, knocked, and asked if he could play with their sons. Now obviously, we could not allow a toddler to leave our home without permission and cross a street again. So, we did our best as parents to make that a painful memory for Christopher. We lovingly sought to associate pain with his memory of disobedience.

Why did we do that? It certainly wasn’t that we wanted to “get him back” for going out on the street. Jamie and I weren’t thinking, “Okay, buddy, now you’re gonna pay.” Rather, we were seeking to train and instruct him for the future.

If you choose to disobey, then expect consequences. God loves his children too much to allow you to “play in the road.” But don’t confuse discipline and penalty. Discipline is the loving correction of a parent. Penalty is the price required for the offense. If you are a believer, the purpose of God’s discipline is not to inflict upon you the punishment you deserve. If that were the case, then God would send you to hell. God disciplines his children so that they might understand the seriousness of sin and be increasingly conformed to the image of his Son.

Question 8 – A person could forgive a spouse, yet still seek a divorce. TRUE.

Forgiveness does not mean the elimination of consequences. While divorce is to be avoided, God does allow divorce and there comes a time in marriage when divorce is allowed.

Great care needs to be taken here.  In NO sense, should divorce be encouraged.  If you are in a troubled marriage, then God’s best for you is to see the grace of God heal your marriage. At the same time, be warned.  If you are considering being unfaithful to your spouse, then you should know that there comes a time when it is too late.

Here is another excerpt from Unpacking Forgiveness:

Must a person always stay married to a spouse who says he or she is repentant?

Suppose a husband is repeatedly unfaithful. Each time his infidelity comes out, he tearfully asks forgiveness. Two questions arise. Must his wife always forgive him? Must there always be reconciliation in the marriage?

This deserves a book all its own. I will give only the briefest of answers here. But the answer to the first question is that she should forgive him. Jesus taught clearly that we should forgive the one who repents an unlimited number of times (Luke 17:3-4). Of course, this assumes the person is repentant. If he is clearly insincere, then she should not forgive him. But, here, we must also be extremely careful in evaluating motives.

The second question—“Must there always be reconciliation?”—is far more complex. As Chapters 3 and 4 argued, forgiveness does not necessarily mean the elimination of consequences. In the case of marriage, there are times when the Bible allows for divorce (Matthew 19:1-12, 1 Corinthians 7:10-16). So, in the situation described here, the wife might say to an unfaithful husband, “I do forgive you. But you have broken our marriage covenant repeatedly. I can’t live any longer with someone I can’t trust, so we can no longer be married.”

Divorce is never God’s best. God hates divorce. While he permits divorce in a fallen world, we must do all that we can to avoid divorce (Malachi 2:16) and the fallout it causes for all involved. If you are contemplating divorce, you can count on this: The divorce you imagine is not the divorce you will have. The cost of divorce is always greater than you thought it would be.

Deciding what to do when a spouse repeatedly commits a grave offense is a matter of spiritual wisdom and discernment that should be made only by a growing Christian in close interaction with a pastor and other spiritual leaders. Scripture teaches that it is as we give ourselves as living sacrifices to the Lord that we are able to discern God’s good, pleasing, and perfect will (Romans 12:1-2). And pastors are given as gifts to God’s people so that they can be equipped for what they face (Ephesians 4:11-12, 1 Peter 5:1-4). Learn from other mature believers at such times. “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future” (Proverbs 18:1, 19:20).

If you are in a situation where you believe you must consider divorce, my heart goes out to you. Be assured: God is a great God. He can heal your marriage. Even if you are convinced that you could never have feelings for your spouse again, God who spoke all things into existence can resurrect your marriage. If you must pursue divorce, do so only while you are growing as a Christian, involved in a Christ-centered, Bible-believing local church, and closely interacting with a pastor and spiritually-mature people.